Who or What Are You In Relationship With?

When you experience difficulties or issues in a relationship (personal or professional) ask yourself this question:

Who (or what) am I having a relationship with ... the behaviour or the person?

Most unresolved issues in relationship are caused from the former not the latter. and almost always come from you reacting to someone's behaviour/s you don't like. And when you are having a relationship with someone's behaviour, you focus on what they are doing and having and how the relationship would be so much better if only they would change.

How's that working for you?

Not very well I suspect!

When you focus only on behaviour and the need to change someone else you are on the slippery slope to nowhere you want to be. Look at it from the other point of view: How do you feel when someone reacts to what you do and expects you to change so they feel better? My guess is you do what most people do and you push back - either overtly by resisting and challenging or passive/aggressively by shutting down and withholding. Either way you don't like it.

And there's the rub...

No one does.

Peace and joy in relationship come from source - you. Focus on being who you are - loving, open, honest and response-able - in relationship to the other human being (rather than the human doing). Remember who they really are is the same as you - Love - (even though they don't necessarily behave the way you like) and keep communicating openly, honestly, clearly, directly and completely until the energy shifts and love remains.

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"The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up", not what part of another you can capture and hold."

Conversations with God Book 1

Feeling Stuck

If you are feeling stuck - irrespective of your situation, circumstances or environment - the key to getting unstuck is inside you.

Feeling stuck is just that - a feeling, not the truth about anything other than the feeling of being stuck.

The truth is, you are never really stuck ... you just feel like you are.
And herein lies the quintessential secret to inner peace and happiness ... you are the one who chooses what you are feeling, what you are thinking and what you are doing as a result of all that thinking and feeling. When you are feeling stuck and you agree with the feeling, you then experience your reality as being stuck. And on it goes ... thinking what you are feeling is the truth, gathering evidence to support your truth and then feeling more stuck than ever!

How to get unstuck? Simple - and as with most of life's twists and turns ... not so easy at first.

As with most things the first step is to stop ... take a breath and BE where you are ... remember who you are: magnificent, powerful, lovable, valuable being ... feel what you are feeling and observe yourself in your process ... keep breathing and allowing yourself the BE where you are, observe your thoughts ... observe your feelings and let the energy move through you ... keep breathing until you feel a shift in your energy ...

Then ask yourself: "What's really going on?" "What do I need to know?" and simply sit and wait for whatever comes to you. Whatever it is, it will show you the way back to love and peace and joy.

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"I am only ever stuck when I decide I am and choose to be and I can get unstuck simply by choosing to BE"

Before You Communicate Anything

Stop … take a deep breath and slowly exhale …
Get present … in your body …
Breathe … and let go … thoughts … feelings … let go
Simply BE here … now

Once you are present and aware … answer the following BEFORE you communicate anything:

What is the purpose of your communication? Do you just want to be right? Or do you genuinely desire to resolve an issue? Do you just want to vent? Or do you want to be heard? Do you want the other person to change something or stop doing something? Or do you want to change what you are feeling and experiencing? What response do you want?

Once you know your purpose, communicate that first as a context for your whole communication- i.e. say what you mean - context - before you express all the content. This will create a space where the other person can hear what you mean as well as what you say. When you frame-up the meaning of your communication you will be heard and understood and you will create the response you want. When you rush in with a lot of content download (usually out of some intense feeling/emotional state) before clarifying context and meaning, you run the risk of being mis-understood and ending up having a circular A-B conversation where neither is listening and attack/defend is the game!

As with all things in the paradigm of I Create The Whole Of My Own Reality, BEing present in Love is always the starting point. Once there, express what you actually want to say, what you mean and what you want to have happen and then respond with love to what comes back. And remember: The meaning of your communication IS the response you get so keep communicating until you get the response you want.

When you stay present and aware and sourced in Love, all communication is easier and resolution is assured.

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"I’m going to let you know what things mean before I tell you what I am going to tell you"

Dr Stephanie Burns

Are You Confronted By Confrontation?

Recently I’ve been noticing how reluctant many people are to face reality head on and confront difficult relationship issues and situations. So I began researching the most common definitions for the word “confront” and I found four main definitions again and again, these from The Collins Dictionary:

to present or face (with something), esp. in order to accuse or criticise
to face boldly; oppose in hostility
to be face to face with; be in front of
to bring together for comparison
(C16: from Medieval Latin confrontari to stand face to face with, from frons forehead)

Interesting that these four were most common, yet the fear-filled meanings of “...accuse or criticise” and “oppose in hostility” seem to be the only filters that people look through when faced with a confronting situation.

And therein lies the issue...given you decide what everything means through your particular way of filtering the world, you get to decide what anything means at any point in time. When you find yourself avoiding confrontation out of fear you can bet that the meaning you are giving to whatever is happening is also coming from fear and the choice to confront becomes anything but desirable.

So next time you are faced with something or someone you find confronting...stop for a moment...take a breath and check your filters by asking: “What am I making this mean?” and if you don’t like it...change the meaning!

When you choose to view confrontation as simply a choice to meet someone or something “face to face” or “to bring together for comparison” you will find that your energy will shift and your communication will be more effective in achieving a peaceful resolution.

Confrontation is not comfortable and it can be effective when engaged in from love.

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When you confront your greatest fear...
you meet your greatest freedom

Where Are You Leading? A Letter To ALL Leaders

You just don’t get it yet ... do you?

If you had any self-awareness or any real desire to be truly responsible you would realise that all your thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours have an enormous impact and influence on what goes on around you.

No matter how you spin it or frame it - the way YOU show up is perfectly reflected in what is actually happening in your business, your political party, your family, your community and your world. So how’s it working?

When you are leading from a context of FEAR, when that is where YOU are coming from, all you do is continue to lead people further into fear. And that just breeds more fearful behaviours and consequences that you then react to with fearful controlling policies and rules which in turn breeds more fear and the game continues.

But you just don’t get it ...

Because if you did, you would STOP behaving so badly and step-up and actually lead from your loving heart and your compassionate mind, instead of your fear-filled ego-centric idea of who you think you should be to protect your position.

You would remember that you came here to BE the most magnificent you that you can be whatever you do and wherever you go.

Well I will not accept that the best you can BE and DO is what’s showing up today.

I watch question time in our Australian Federal Parliament and am amazed at, and ashamed of, your behaviour. Your communication is appallingly self-serving ... having very little regard for actually responding to the questions/issues that are put to you by your colleagues and your opponents - all fellow human beings.

The relentless in-fighting, name-calling and disrespect that you engage in is insidiously reflected in our society in a myriad of ways from the toxic culture of bullying we experience in our families, schools, communities, business environments and sporting arenas to the corporate greed and “I win, you lose” money-grabbing tactics displayed by people in powerful positions all over the world.

Well (to use an old political slogan) ... It’s Time!

Time to remember we are all connected, we are one planet, one universe - all the same at our very heart. Time to step-up and show up and lead from LOVE.

I urge you to pay attention to what’s really going on, to open up, tell the truth, be responsible and choose to BE the change you wish to see in the world.

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"My life is an indivisible whole, and all my activities run into one another ... My life is my message."

Mahatma Gandhi

Let The Healing Continue

I am feeling very angry. I am choosing to feel angry because I keep falling into the pit of blame and judgement in relationship to how you are...my perception of how you are and the meaning I keep making of what you do around me...particularly in moments of disgareement and conflict. I know it looks and feels like I am angry with you, which in turn causes you to react defensively, which fuels my frustration, and my judgements.

I keep hoping things have actually changed...that when I see you this time it will be different..and yet even before you arrive, I feel anxious and fearful...an insidious reaction from our past... and I start frantically working out ways to defend myself from an attack I am certain will come. I am aware I am still deeply attached to the idea that if only YOU would change, if only YOU would behave differently (even though I fear you won’t) then I would feel ok in relationship to you. I know this doesn’t work and I tell myself “I should get off it” and “I should be able to handle this” so I say “yes” to seeing you and things are OK for while. Then inevitably I find myself reacting to something you say or do, telling myself it means you don’t care what I think or feel. I start judging you for how you are behaving, then judge myself for judging you and reacting yet again. I end up feeling anxious, frustrated, angry and despairing...and the game continues.

I realise this is what I have always done in our relationship. For so long I have really ”tried” to make things “better” (aka: make YOU better). I’ve “tried” to get you to do something different, “tried” to avoid an upset, “tried” to manage the energy by tip-toeing around you to avoid an argument...”tried” to talk to you openly and honestly, “tried” to get you to listen to what I am saying the way I mean it, “tried’ to make you understand how I feel. I’ve “tried” to let go, to move on, to not care what you do or how you show up and yet, I keep expecting you to be “reasonable” and to change and as you know, expectations are just a prescription for disappointment...and it simply doesn’t work.

Well, I am tired of all the “trying”. I am tired of the game...I am tired of worrying about how you are going to show up and how I am going to handle it, tired of being anxious whenever I think about you coming to visit, tired of fearing your reactions and your feelings and your behaviour, tired of being hard on myself and hard on you, tired of judging and managing and manipulating and handling things...just plain tired.

So once again, I choose peace in relationship to you. I choose to do something different about how I show up in relationship to you. I choose to remember to put my loving self first in this relationship, to love myself and to love and bless you and if I choose... to keep on walking. I realise that my unwillingness to STOP playing the game is what keeps it going.

My truth right now is: I don’t know how to BE at peace in relationship to you...yet. So I choose to keep responding with awareness and rigour for myself. I choose to dig deeper and uncover what else is really going on for me in relationship to you, to become conscious of what it is that keeps me recreating this relationship dynamic and keep responding and letting go.

I used to think this meant I had to have more regular contact with you in order to heal this wound between us. Now I remember that I can choose to say NO to having contact with you for as long as I choose. I choose to create a guilt-free space to engage in my own process, the best I can right now. I choose to let go of worrying about how you may (or may not) react to my choice. I choose to let go of my need for you to agree, approve or like the choices I make.

The bottom line for me is this: I Create The Whole Of My Own Reality. I am response-able for creating you showing up the way you do in my life. I also know I cannot change YOU and hanging onto this expectation is a one-way ticket to the pit of despair! So letting go of my expectations is key...as is my willingness to keep loving you and me and responding from love no matter what form our relationship takes in the future.

Let the healing continue...

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"Forgiveness means giving up all hope that the past will ever be different..."

thus spake Oprah! Based on an original quote by Lily Tomlin and others

Investing In Consciousness

Whatever your current investment strategy (or lack thereof), the single most effective investment you can make right now is your investment in your own consciousness.

No matter what your choice of occupation, relationship status, financial situation or feelings - investing in consciousness will return abundant riches ... not necessarily in the ways you think but rather in the most powerful and fulfilling ways for your own evolution.

There is no time like the present moment to dive deep into the waters of your own awareness and consciousness ... to become aware of what is happening right before you and in you, deep underneath the noise of day-to-day existence. With so much chaos and disruption playing out on the world stage, now is the time to stop ... step back ... take a breath and ask yourself: “What’s really going on?” then be still and be aware and you will become conscious of more than you know right now. And the more you take the time to stop ... and breathe ... the more aware you will become and on it goes.

This is really quite simple ... nothing too complex or complicated about stopping ... and sitting ... and breathing ... and allowing ... and becoming aware ... yet the ego centric voice within will resist and you may find yourself too busy to stop; too engaged in what’s happening to step outside your mind and reflect on the whole; too tired or too energised or any one of a number of good and solid reasons why you just “can’t”!

Simple isn’t necessarily comfortable or easy. Simple challenges our competitive need to achieve through complexity and effort and winning. Becoming conscious of who you are and what’s really going on is challenging and confronting and relentlessly wonderful. It requires boldness and a willingness to open yourself up, to be uncomfortable, to not know and go there anyway, to immerse yourself in the wonder and mystery of BEING all of everything and in so doing, realising everything is all of you.

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"In its highest expression, the evolutionary impulse is experienced as the awakening of a desire to evolve at the level of consciousness itself. It is the deeply felt urge to rise up, to reach toward perfection. And it is also a nagging and relentless existential discomfort, a sense that I must find a way to become more conscious."

Andrew Cohen