What Aren’t You Saying?

I was having breakfast with a dear friend recently and we were talking about the difficulties she’s having communicating openly and honestly with her family. Her initial reason for withholding (particularly emotionally) was that “…it’s very painful for them and they can’t deal with it”. I responded that her rationale was logical, reasonable, even thoughtful and very common…spare them from acknowledging (and perhaps releasing) their pain by continuing to suppress, depress and repress your own!

I then offered her another way of looking at it: “What if your withholding actually reinforces their fear and pain? (The unconscious message being sent and received is: “you are right, it’s too hard /painful/scary to deal with so we’ll just push it away/deny/ignore it”). What if you are actively enabling them to stay in fear because you won’t have the heart-felt and sometimes hard conversations? What if, by sharing your truth openly, honestly, directly, clearly and completely you (and they) have the opportunity to feel and heal and let this go? And finally, whether they choose to go there or not, you can…”

I then shared my own experience of having a heart-felt and hard conversation with my mother over the holidays. I was feeling a lot of stuff so I just blurted it all out one day in a fit of frustration. Not the most elegant way to start a conversation, yet in the end it didn’t matter. What mattered was my intention – which is to come from love and return to love as soon as I become aware that I am not coming from love. So I kept talking and listening and responding until I got to a critical emotional piece I had been withholding for a long time. My energy shifted immediately. I was aware of a deep abiding peace settling in me. Then Mum began to really open up and shared how she was feeling with me. It was amazing. I realised (again!) it’s not a one-off “all fixed now” proposition. Being open and honest is a process that has no end. Whenever I open up, really open up and share the big and the small – the all – my relationships thrive. And so do I. She got it.

Recommended Reading List

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Lorna's Current Favourites:

(as at 29 September 2009)

The Girl Who Played With Fire Stieg Larsson

Just Gazing Poems Barb Greene


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A Course In Miracles, Foundation For Inner Peace

A Course in Miracles, Teachers Guide

A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle

A Return To Love, Marianne Williamson

A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Housseini

A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson

Address Of The Divine, Amma

Addition, Toni Jordan

An Astrological Mandala, Dane Rudhyar

Anatomy of the Spirit, Dr Caroline Myss

Approaching The Corporate Heart, Margot Cairnes

Awaken The Giant Within, Anthony Robbins

"be", compiled by Kobi Yamada

Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science, Anne Wilson Schaef

Birth Without Violence, Fredrick Leboyer

Blue Ribbons Bitter Bread, Susanna De Vries

Brain Sex, Anne Moir & David Jessel

Breath, Tim Winton

Bus 9 To Paradise, Leo Buscaglia

Communion With God, Neale Donald Walsch

Constance, Rosie Thomas

Conversations With God I, II & III, Neale Donald Walsch

Creating Love, John Bradshaw

Creative Visualisation, Shakti Gawain

Don't Picture Me Naked, Michelle Bowden

E=mc2 A Biography of the World’s Most Famous Equation,
David Bodanis

Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

Enchanted Love, Marianne Williamson

End the Struggle and Dance with Life , Susan Jeffers

Enough: Breaking Free From The World Of More, John Naish

Everyday Grace, Marianne Williamson

Everyone Can Win, Helena Cornelius & Shoshana Faire

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers

Fl!p, Peter Sheahan

Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love, Stephanie Dowrick

Friendship With God, Neale Donald Walsch

Frogs Into Princes, John. Grinder & Richard Bandler

Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, Frederick S. Perls

Getting Well Again, O Carl Simington, Stephanie M. Simington
& James L. Creighton

Heal Your Body, Louise L. Hay

Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw

Heart and Soul, Maeve Binchy

Home With God, Neale Donald Walsch

Homecoming, John Bradshaw

How To Know God, Dr. Deepak Chopra

How To Think Like Da Vinci, Michael J. Gelb

I Come As a Brother, Bartholomew

Illuminata, Marianne Williamson

Illusions, Richard Bach

Intimacy and Solitude, Stephanie Dowrick

Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach

Just Gazing Poems Barb Greene

Kitchen Table Wisdom, Rachel Naomi Remen

Letting go of the Person You Used to Be, Lama Surya Das

Living Loving & Learning, Leo Buscaglia

London, Edmund Rutherford

Love, Leo Buscaglia

Love, Medicine & Miracles, Dr Bernie Siegel

Magic Demystified An Introduction to NLP, Byron A. Lewis
& Frank Pucelik

Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor Frankl

Manifesting Your Destiny, Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus, John Gray Ph.D.

One, Richard Bach

Opening Our Hearts To Men, Susan Jeffers

Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell

Peace Love & Healing, Dr Bernie Siegel

Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir

Primal Scream, Arthur Janov

Quantum Healing, Dr. Deepak Chopra

Real Magic, Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Reawakening Spirit in the Workplace, Jack Hawley

Rebirthing in the New Age, Sondra Ray & Leonard Orr

Receiving Love, Harville Hendrix

Reflections Of An Elder Brother, Bartholomew

Reframing, John Grinder & Richard Bandler

Return of The Bird Tribes, Ken Carey

Running From Safety, Richard Bach

Sacred Contracts, Dr Caroline Myss

Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukov

Socialism is Great!, Lijia Zhang

Sometimes Hearts Have To Break, Petrea King

Surprised By Joy, Michael Meegan

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey

The Alchemist, Paul Coelho

The Aquarian Conspiracy, Marilyn Ferguson

The Book Thief, Markus Zusak

The Boy In The Blue Striped Pyjamas, John Boyne

The Bridge Across Forever, Richard Bach

The Buddha Within, Lama Surya Das

The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield

The Da Vinci Method, Garret Loporto

The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav

The Fifth Discipline, The Art and Practice of The Learning
Organisation, Peter M. Senge

The First Book of Group Psychotherapy, Jacob L. Moreno

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

The Gift of Change, Marianne Williamson

The Girl Who Played With Fire, Steig Larsson

The House Of Special Purpose, John Boyne

The Individual and The Nature of Mass Events,
a Seth Book/Jane Roberts

The Life You Were Born To Live, Dan Millman

The Little Friend, Donna Tartt

The Magic of Conflict, Turning a life of work into a work of art,
Thomas F. Crum

The Magical Child, Joseph Chiltern Pierce

The Magical Child Matures, Joseph Chiltern Pierce

The Miracle at Speedy Motors, Alexander McCall Smith

The Nature of Personal Reality, a Seth Book/Jane Roberts

The Nature of The Psyche, a Seth Book/Jane Roberts

The People Of The Book, Geraldine Brooks

The Pilgrimage, Paul Coelho

The Popcorn Report, Faith Popcorn

The Power is Within You, Louise L. Hay

The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

The Return Of The Bird Tribes, Ken Carey

The Road, Cormac McCarthy

The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck

The Seat of The Soul, Gary Zukav

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Dr. Deepak Chopra

The Shadow Of The Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon

The Tao of Physics, Fritjof Capra

The Third Millennium, Ken Carey

The Tibetan Art Of Living, Christopher Hansard

The Turning Point, Fritjof Capra

The Unknown Reality Volumes 1 & 2, a Seth Book/Jane Roberts

The Valkryries, Paul Coelho

The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn, Florence Scovel Shinn

The World Is Flat, Thomas L Friedman

There Is A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem, Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Thinque Funky - Upgrade Your Thinking, Anders Sorman-Nilsson

Unconditional Life, Dr. Deepak Chopra

Using Your Brain For a Change, Richard Bandler

Winter Journey, Diane Armstrong

Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can, Dr Caroline Myss

Why Truth Matters, Ophelia Benson and Jeremy Stangroom

World Without End, Ken Follet

Work As If You Own It, Kirsty Spraggon

You Can Heal Your Life, Louise L. Hay

You’ll See It When You Believe It, Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Your Erroneous Zones, Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Your Sacred Self , Dr Wayne W. Dyer