01 June 2006

Death Is Hard For The Living

One of my dearest friends died a few weeks ago. When it came, it was quick though not completely unexpected. For her I am glad. She is free from the pain of her body and I know she is at peace. It’s hard for those of us still living as we have the human stuff to deal with - the memories and thoughts and feelings and emotions – the process of letting go and grieving.

Saying goodbye takes longer than leaving and right now I feel as if it will continue for evermore. I also know that this is a process and I always have a choice about how I feel and how I deal with this powerful event in my life. As well, I feel no need to hurry up and “get over it” or “get on with it” and am really focussing on being ok with where I am right now. As I ride the waves of grief, sometimes gentle and soft, at other times huge and harsh, I have been amazed by the force of my feelings and emotions, uncomfortable with how quickly I am in the middle of a huge wave with tears spilling and my heart squeezed tight. It’s as though the whole of my life is condensed into a few moments of this feeling experience and there is nothing else. Nothing else to do but to ride the wave and allow – no assistance, no resistance, allow, allow, allow. As I allow myself to move toward the feelings and be where I am at any given moment, I experience the peace that comes as each wave ebbs and then flows again. And I am very glad that I learned more about how to be fully present in the last few months of Deb’s life – at least when I was with her. I have no regrets where our relationship is concerned, nothing left unsaid, nothing left undone. And through it all, I am receiving support like never before. I feel completely embraced by compassion, comfort, kindness, care and simple acts of friendship everyday – more than I could possibly list here. I am deeply grateful for the outpouring of love I constantly receive via the phone, email, mail and in person. Thank you all, it makes a huge difference.

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