15 July 2006

Judgement Is Repulsive!

A few weeks ago, I turned 50 and was showered with acknowledgment, love, flowers, well wishes and beautiful gifts, one of which was a gorgeous silver ring from Tiffany & Co. When I opened the blue box I was in raptures! It was perfect. - perfect shape and design and although a little loose, I wore it anyway. (You probably know what’s coming…) Five days later, it slipped off my finger and when I realised it was gone I had a brief moment of certainly it somewhere in my house then the self-judgement started: “stupid”; “irresponsible”; etc and things got very ugly and very stressful.

With the old paradigm “not good enough” running the show, I frantically searched everywhere. No ring. I tossed and turned through the night and the next day I asked a colleague for some support. He helped me see that I was agreeing with my self-condemnation (not good enough again!!), that (obviously) I had become attached to the ring yet had not really let myself “have” it; and that the whole truth included that I wore the ring when it was loose because I loved it and wanted to enjoy it (not that I was “just stupid and irresponsible”)!

It took a while to process all my feelings and become aware of the whole. And then I got it: every time I judge myself (and others) I push away. When I remember I am responsible, that I am “cause”, that everything is always happening perfectly, when I accept and let go, things shift. When I accept rather than judge I feel at peace.

Two days later I spotted the ring under my bed (where I had searched before!) and I let myself fully receive it. And yesterday I took it back to Tiffany where it is being resized!

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