The Business Of Feelings

Your feelings and how you react or respond to emotional complexity is one of the most important things to master when building a successful business.

Yet this is not a subject that I have ever seen adequately addressed in any training, MBA Program or University Degree about how to run a successful business!

Every problem you have in business (and in life) can be traced back to some emotional blockage. If you want to change something that’s not working; transform a relationship or situation; resolve a conflict ... first you need to tell the truth about what’s actually going on right now.

You probably know how to tell most of the truth ... and yet when things don’t change, it’s because you have left out the most critical element of the whole truth ... the feelings ... yours and theirs.

How often are you asked/do you ask this question in a business context ...

How are you feeling?

In my experience, this single question can save a lot of time when dealing with conflict and the messy, unpredictable human element in business. And let’s face it, business is just people doing stuff!

And why would you want to get feelings on the table?

So you can respond to the whole of what’s going on at any point in time. Feelings are not facts ... when you respond to the feelings and let them be felt and released ... you then have space to discuss the “facts” in ways that actually work. And when you respond to the whole truth, everything changes.

When you unblock the feelings, you liberate yourself and your business to become what you dream.

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"Feelings ... nothing more than feelings ..."

Albert Morris

Who Says You Should Have To?

Shoulding all over yourself and others is a guaranteed strategy to stop you getting the outcome you want in your communication and relationships.

Every time you find yourself thinking: “I shouldn’t have to tell that person ... how I feel; what I expect; what I need ... because they should know” and then agree with your thoughts and feelings, you stop effective communication in it’s tracks. The result - you end up feeling frustrated, unsatisfied and righteous! And nothing changes.

Everyone makes up their own meaning about whatever is going on. What you perceive as rudeness or a personal attack is often not what is consciously intended from the other side. Yet time and time again you react emotionally to this perceived attack as if the other is deliberately doing something to “make you” feel the way you do.

Remember this: Other people do not necessarily share your view of the world. Other people cannot read your mind and if you don’t tell them what you mean, they cannot respond effectively.

And that’s the issue. Your unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, clearly, directly and completely when you feel emotionally triggered is because of how you feel. Then you get stuck in your head, convincing yourself that you are feeling the way you do because of someone else’s behaviour. You tell yourself that “they should know better” and thus feel you shouldn’t have to say anything or do anything about it because “they should know”.

Yet, the truth is, they don’t know what you mean if you don’t tell them. No matter how many times you think “but they should know ...” it doesn’t change anything.

So next time you are caught up “shoulding’” all over the place, stop, take a breath ... allow your feelings to move through you ... and speak up.

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"If it should have
it would have"

Giving Can Be Hard To Take

As a child, I was told that it’s better to give than to receive and at the same time I was also told I must be grateful and thankful when given to ... no matter how I felt about the “gift” or the giver.

The resultant confusion stemming from this childhood conditioning set-up a belief pattern in me that said giving is ok (and it feels good) but taking (receiving) really is not (and it feels uncomfortable).

Every time someone acknowledged me, I felt an immediate need to push back, give something in return and avoid letting myself fully receive. I was always keen to be the first to offer help; to pick up the tab for coffee or a meal; to give happily whenever I saw an opportunity. What I didn’t realise was that my need to be the “giver” left very little space for anyone to truly give to me. My reluctance to “take” was preventing others the joy of giving to me.

I realised (once again) this was my fearful ego-mind fuelling the notion that I didn’t deserve it or hadn’t worked hard enough/done enough/given enough to really be worthy of being given to. The old not-good-enough stuff ... again!!

So I chose to learn how to truly give and receive. I decided to simply say thank you when someone offered to pay for the coffee, to say thank you when someone gave me something ... an acknowledgement, some help, advice or a gaily wrapped package! I also chose to respond to the feelings that arise, to acknowledge my “childish” reactions and allow the feelings to release without having to give in to the story and the drama over and over. It’s not easy ... I still have times when I feel uncomfortable receiving. And when I do, I stop and take a deep breath and remind myself ... it’s a feeling, not a fact ... let it go ... and let myself receive anyway.

There is no real giving without receiving. Two sides of the same coin and when one side is missing ... there is no integrity ... no wholeness. 

So the next time someone gives you something ... say thank you. In that you will know the joy of receiving which is a gift to the giver.

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"Don’t be so greedy with your giving ..."

Amma

Who Are You Kidding?

Last week while waiting at the the pedestrian lights to cross a main road in the CBD, a woman with a pram in one hand and a small boy holding the other approached, looked both ways then proceeded to cross the road, seeming to ignore the bright red “Don’t Walk” sign. Her toddler cried out: "No, mummy, the light is red...” whereupon the mother said, “It’s ok” and kept going, taking the reluctant small boy with her.

Now I can’t know if they talked about this further or indeed if the mother said anything at all to ally her child’s concern. I understand why she did what she did: She had checked and deemed it safe to cross and she did. This is a common occurrence in our busy cities. Lots of people all in a hurry to get somewhere and deciding in the moment what risks to take to get wherever quicker ... often with a lack of awareness of how their behaviour impacts those around them.

What I noticed was the energy of fear I felt from the child and it took me back to the first time in my childhood when my mother told me “everything is all right” when clearly it wasn’t. I remember feeling very scared about what was happening and when mum said what she did, I decided that what I was feeling must be wrong ... and by association that meant I was wrong ... not good enough ... painful and confusing.

Many years later, well into my personal journey, I had an 'ah-hah’ moment about this: her intention was loving and her communication was incomplete. I realised that my mother said what she did to reassure me that everything would be ok - that she was in charge and not putting us at risk. However she didn’t communicate this explicitly to me ... she took the short-cut and said what she wanted me to hear: “everything IS all right” as if declaring it would make it so for me. What she didn’t know how to do was to acknowledge and respond to what I was feeling as well as telling me it would be ok. She did what she knew how to do out of her past - not safe to get “emotional”, let your intellect lead the way. A belief pattern that I also took on from an early age!

Becoming emotionally aware, resourced and up-to-date has been a conscious focus throughout my own journey and in the work I do. Opening up about my childhood feelings with my mother and other family members has been healing and liberating. And I am very fortunate to have been able to have this specific conversation with my mother in the later years of her life.

I hope the mother and child I encountered last week have a chance to do the same.

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"Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate."

Anonymous

Stop Apologising!

Wandering through the supermarket the other day, I stopped to wait for a woman with two small children to move so I could get past. When she noticed me waiting, she began apologising profusely. I told her it was not necessary, nothing happened that needed an apology but alas ... it fell on deaf ears. As she hurried herself and her children away, softly muttering “so sorry ...” I was struck by how often people apologise for things that don’t warrant the air time ...

Just another insidious way the sticky “not-good-enough” stuff rears it’s fearful head and leads the way in your unconscious behaviours, actions and communication.

The need to apologise for every little thing is an automatic program that runs when you are not present, not mindful, not aware ... and taking things personally. The incident in the supermarket is a very common example of what happens when we leave our bodies and forget who we are ... and where we are. The need to apologise is more about wanting to be seen to be ok and feel ok than anything else. I know that you will probably argue that being sorry and genuinely apologising has a place ... and paradoxically I agree ... as long as you are clear about the context and intention. And when the circumstances genuinely warrant it.

Apologising when you become aware that you have caused pain, upset, distress, fear etc is a powerful way to acknowledge yourself as cause in the matter and will give you the next clear step to take in your healing and transformation.

That is very different to apologising for every little thing, unconsciously and automatically.

So stop apologising for showing up, for being you in all your magnificent, messy, human, imperfect perfection.

And next time you are tempted to say sorry ... check your context and intention.

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"Stop apologising for things you didn’t even do."

So You Think You’ve Got It Handled

Such a tantalising delusion!

So much heartache spared, so much fuss and aggro side-stepped, so much feeling not needing to ever be felt again ... that’s the intoxicating myth of the notion: “I’ve got it handled”.

Every time you think: “I’ve got it handled” or “I’ve dealt with that issue/person/thought or thing” notice what happens ... it always, always, always comes back ... oft in a different disguise, yet those unacknowledged feelings still lurking within will be unleashed ... again!

You see the process of becoming you is never done ... never complete, never finished. No matter how hard you try to handle every “issue” that occurs, you will not (and can not) stop experiencing yourself in all of your full blown, messy, unpredictable, emotionally rich and viscerally dense humanness.

This is the human journey, the gig of being human is never-ending as long as you are in this body - in this polarised, paradoxical world we share. The choice to BE who you are is a process that is infinite, eternal and unrelenting. The notion that you can be “done” is just another example of the insidious fearful thinking emanating from the ego mind ... not based in truth or love and certainly not achievable.

So what do you do now?

Relax ... breathe ... and remember the ultimate purpose of being human is to BE the most magnificent you that you can imagine moment by moment by moment. It is a process of BEING here now and doing whatever you choose to do, knowing that who you are is the source of all that you experience and you get to choose what happens next.

Life is not about handling anything really, it’s about experiencing all of it so you can choose who you want to be and what you really want without condemning that which you do not choose.

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"The process of becoming human is never complete and never finished."

Robert Fisher

Being Kind Trumps Criticism

I’ve had a revelation this past week ... being kind trumps criticism!

It started with a visit to Sydney by my sister for her 60th birthday. We have a close relationship yet sometimes I find it very challenging to be kind rather than critical of her behaviour when I do not agree.  It is an old habit and one I have found very difficult to break. This time I chose to be conscious and aware of my own insidious tendency to get stuck in my head, ramping up the infernal, internal dialogue of criticism and judgement.

It started well, I felt peaceful and detached and told myself that whatever happened, I was going to be loving and kind ... and it was going really well for about 2 hours! Then something happened and straight away I felt myself getting frustrated and the internal judgemental, critical chatter began: “why is she doing this?” “She should know better” “Is she just doing this to get at me” etc etc. I didn’t say anything, I just felt it all swirling around in my head and in my body. And then I realised my sister was reacting to my judgemental energy ... I didn’t need to voice my criticism because she could feel it emanating from me anyway ... and then she started to react in kind.

What happened next is what began to change everything ...

Rather than simply engage in the old habit of pushing back and fuelling the A<>B conversation, instead of  needing to be “right” by making her “wrong” ... I stopped, I took a breath and I chose to let go of my critical thinking, I chose to let go of needing her to change so I felt better, I chose to connect with being loving  rather than agree once again with my fearful thinking ... and I felt my energy shift.

And so did hers!

I experienced a profound sense of peace and the weekend continued as I had consciously intended ... loving, kind, peaceful and lots of fun. Oh yes, we had a few more moments of tension sprinkled throughout the next 3 days yet the cloying stickiness of the internal judge had loosened somewhat so neither of us got stuck like rats on the wheel of our old painful way of relating.

Once again the message was simple ... though not at all easy!
Being kind, being loving, being who I AM ... particularly when challenged by someone I love ... produces a loving response in return.

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"Be kind whenever possible.
It is always possible."

Dalai Lama