No Regrets

I have just celebrated my birthday and (as I usually do in the weeks prior) I spent some time reflecting on the past year and acknowledging what I had created and experienced. I started thinking about things I had let go of and relationships that have changed and I felt a stab of regret. Wondering if I could have made some different choices and had some different outcomes, wondering a lot of “if only ...” and “what if...” and I felt sad. And rather than push it aside, “cheer myself up” or distract myself, I decided to sit in my regret and see what emerged.

I felt flat and unmotivated to do very much and it took about a week before my energy shifted. When it did, I realised that my regret came from not owning my choice in the first place. Not being responsible for choosing what I had chosen meant I felt like I “should” have done something different. When I reflected upon my choices at the time, they were the best choices I felt I could make. In the moment of choosing, I made my choice from the whole of what was going on for me at the time. My choices are always the best I can do in the moment and no amount of regret will change what has already occurred.

What will change what happens next is how I respond, what my next choice is and If my next choice is informed out of fear from the past, I’ll probably end up regretting it later too! However, if my next choice is informed out of my loving vision of possibility, out of my decision to BE who I choose to BE, while I do whatever I choose to do ... then regret has no space to show up.

I felt a huge shift in my energy and peace reigned once more. The icing on the cake (couldn’t resist!) was my birthday ... cards, flowers, emails, text messages, phone calls, gifts and lots of hugs, acknowledgment and great food with dear friends. And I felt grateful for being me, the way I am today ... no regrets.

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"To regret the past is to forfeit the future."

Chinese Proverb

What Did You Expect?

Last Thursday was an historic day here in Australia - at 9:20am on 24/06/2010 we were told (first via Twitter and Facebook) that we have a new Prime Minster, Julia Gillard. That she is our first female PM is what makes this a monumental day in Australian federal politics. That she is replacing a PM during his very first term in office is also historic - last time this happened was during the Great Depression (hmmm...)

Also interesting the number of reactions I have encountered this morning in person and via email and text. Lots of people are outraged and upset that they didn’t get to vote for Julia direct. Clearly that’s what some of you expect ... that you have a right to say WHO leads. But that's not what elections are for - a least not in this country which is part of the Commonwealth. The notion that we, the people, get to elect a specific person as PM is erroneous in our political paradigm which is based in the Westminster system of party politics not personality politics. The confusing thing for a lot of Australians right now is that the ALP ran a US-style "presidential campaign" - Kevin '07 - and lots of voters forgot they were voting for the whole party not just the man himself. Now that the ALP has realised the man they chose is no longer the golden-haired favourite (shown by the polls) the power brokers in the back room did what they always do (on both sides ...) and forced the issue. They forced the issue now because they want the ALP to win a second term and the numbers clearly showed that with Kevin at the helm this would not happen. This is the political game that has been played for centuries so why are people so upset? Because we expected something different and instead got the same old, same old ...

That the world is run by those that have the most influence and clout is still how it works. That we think/feel it “should” be different is immaterial. That it will change is inevitable and we have a huge opportunity to influence how it changes - by continuing to have the conversations that make a difference, by using the technology to connect with people everywhere and by choosing to step-up and speak up and engage from love not fear.

What I love is that we now have women in 5 of the top political jobs in our country - our new PM, The Governor General, The Governor of NSW and The Premiers of NSW and QLD. WOW! This is what my mother told me was possible when I was a teenager ... and here we are with a woman as the leader of our nation. I believe these girls have the opportunity to rock the house if they would only lead from their feminine and bring that energy to bear on our world stage.

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Expectation - a prescription for disappointment.

Asking For Help

When was the last time you asked someone for help? I know you probably give a lot but when did you last ask and allow someone to help you?

Some years ago, I became aware of my own reluctance to ask for help. I told myself it didn't matter and really it didn't ... until it did. I began to notice the mind chatter that said: "I should be able to handle this myself" and "Asking for help shows I'm not ok". I became aware of an old, very firmly-held belief insisting that asking for help was a symbol of weakness - not good enough - and an inability to cope with life. With that firmly in place I stumbled about, ignoring lots of help along the way and doing it by myself! Not much difference.

Whenever I did ask for help (but not too much mind you!)I noticed I always asked indirectly. Then rather than simply open myself to receive what was offered, I went into hyper-control mode around how, what, when, where and with whom I would allow myself to be helped! You know what I mean ... the whole "yes, but..." conversation! It was not very satisfying ... for anyone.

I then realised asking indirectly for help came from a belief that if I was really explicit and clear about what I actually wanted/needed, I would be perceived as asking for too much. The thought of actually paying someone to help me was (in my mind) absolute proof that I was not ok. The net result of this behaviour: I did not get what I really wanted and the person (or people) helping me were also left feeling unappreciated. Then the "Ah hah!" moment: The "not good enough" stuff was still running the show and we all know how that works out ... more "not good enough" and the game continued.

When I finally asked for help to change this pattern I saw and felt the old paradigm of fear ... the fear that I was still somehow "not good enough" to have what I want. After about 12 months of regular counselling/coaching, I had more and more experience that it’s not true! I was encouraged and supported to remember who I am, to choose to ask for and receive help the same way I give it - openly, honestly, directly, clearly and completely. When I started asking directly for what I wanted, the old feelings still came up, but rather than agree with them, I chose to breathe and let go and remember who I am. And the more I practise, the easier it gets.

Today asking for help and receiving it is as satisfying as giving it.

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"If you are alive you need help."

Ben Renshaw

Being Grounded!

Don’t you just love Mother Nature? She certainly knows how to get everyone’s attention and when she’s angry, she let’s us know! Take the latest natural disaster to affect the world: Iceland’s erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano. (And no, I can’t pronounce it either!)

The impact has been significant for people all over the world - from stranded passengers to airlines (and many other businesses) losing vast amounts of money to whole countries (like Kenya) in fiscal jeopardy because they are unable to sell/export perishables like fruit, vegetables and flowers before they rot.
One of the hardest things for people to deal with in a situation like this is how to make sense of it when there is no one to blame or make wrong. How do you see the benefit or value in a situation that seems random and unfair and with no known end or outcome assured?

Well, I look at what is going on from at least two viewing platforms - my personal perspective and my world view - and ask myself: “What is the benefit in this, what is the gift, what is really going on here?”.

From my personal perspective, the benefit for me in this event happening now is that I am not travelling much at all this year. I made a decision last year to stop all long-haul travel (more than 3 hours) for a while. And I am glad I did! I am happy to stay on the ground and use the available technology to stay connected. I also feel that a strong message for me is “Stay put, stay grounded and trust the process”. So rather than wonder and worry about when it’s going to end, I choose to stop, take a breath and remember that whatever is happening is always perfect and that things will change and keep changing.

From my world view, what’s really going on here is that I feel that we are being asked to wake up from our self-involved slumber and become aware that everything is connected; to accept that whatever happens to you, has an impact on me and that the way to create peace and harmony is to co-operate with each other with loving kindness rather than fighting out of righteous anger and fear. And when things like this happen, we do step-up and help each other, we do co-operate rather than compete and we get through.

Like I said, gotta love Mother Nature!

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"Everything is part of everything else. There is nothing which does not belong. Perfection is everywhere, in everything, all the time ... no matter how you feel about it."

The Power of Conflict

If there never was any conflict there would never be any change or growth. And if nothing ever changed or grew there would ultimately be … nothing.

I work with small business owners and their teams supporting them to create business cultures that are truly open, honest, loving and responsive. Of course this usually requires some disruption to the status quo: “I won‘t tell you what I can see, if you don‘t tell me what you can see”.

The notion that keeping quiet; not saying what you really feel/think/know; avoiding having the hard conversations and going all the way is acceptable or appropriate because it avoids conflict is a fiction. It is a closed and defensive way of thinking, feeling and being and ultimately creates more fear and more anxiety … not less. The choice to avoid being open and honest because you fear the response/reaction you will get comes from the same fearful thinking that created the issue in the first place. And in that fearful place there is no resolution.

In order to create open and honest communication as a cultural norm, you have to be willing to deal with conflict as it arises and sometimes even actively facilitate it. This means being willing to say what you can see, feel, and know, to stay in the conversation until it is complete and to BE present and aware and responding to what‘s really going on until the energy shifts and peace prevails … and it will … when you go all the way.

When you accept conflict as a natural and integral part of the process of transformation and welcome it as an opportunity to tell and hear the whole truth, you will discover the power of conflict to create peace.

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"It‘s not whether you have conflict in your life … it‘s what you do with conflict that makes a difference … Nature uses conflict as a motivator for change, creating beautiful mountains, beaches and pearls."

Tom Crum

Getting Better Is Not An Option

Your insidious habit of judging yourself and others is the super glue that keeps you stuck in your own process and in your life. The notion that somehow, some way you can do a bunch of stuff to get better (or that someone else can) is simply nonsense … at least it's nonsense from the point of view of the paradigm of ultimate cause: I Create The Whole of My Own Reality, with love and wisdom always.

The idea that you (and others) are not okay the way you are and that you need to get better is a value judgement pure and simple. And value judgements are absolutely subjective and no more true than anything else you make up. When you agree with your own infernal, internal judge, chattering away about how you are not good enough … yet … there is always more you can do to get better … you are destined to ride the roller coaster of “stuff-esteem” and all the emotional blah-jang that goes with it. Not to mention how exhausting it can be!

Want to get off this ride?

Start by observing the internal dialogue and start noticing how quickly you want to agree with it … then don’t! Realise that the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself and others are simply that … your thoughts and your feelings - made up out of your filters - informed by your perceptions - occurring as a result of your value judgements and that they are no more real or true than anything else you can make up. Then make up some stuff you enjoy.

Choose to perceive everything and everyone through a filter of love rather than fear … choose to experience that you are okay and so is everyone else … choose to agree with the idea that everyone is always doing the best they can and what’s needed is awareness and compassion and love; not condemnation and criticism … choose to be your own divine self in relationship to everything and everyone, including yourself!, all the time. Choose to respond from love and enjoy the ride … !

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"If you’re not all right the way you are, it takes a lot of effort to get better. Realise you are all right the way you are and you’ll get better naturally."

Werner Erhard

Stop It!

2010 has arrived and with it the promise of ever accelerating change. And there is no better time than right now to start some new habits … but first you have to stop some old ones:

Drop the not good enough stuff
It’s not true. It’s simply a game you made up when very small to keep you safe and it has now served its purpose. You are here, you have survived and now you have much more awareness than that wounded child so time to let it go.

When you are running the not good enough stuff, your communication is informed by the context of seeking/needing agreement/approval to feel safe and ok. No way will you reveal your deeper truth with this going on, no way you will be open and available if you are seeking approval … and without openness and honesty, communication sucks. The not good enough stuff is the single biggest communication killer around … time to get over it … really.

Not everything that comes into your head needs to come out of your mouth:
Get to the heart of your truth and find out what’s really going on. Most of the monkey chatter between your ears is simply your reactive, judgemental, critical, ego-centric voice doing its job – which is to keep you separate from who you really are. Stop agreeing with the thoughts in your head and start coming from the love in your heart. Go into the deeper parts of yourself and enquire as to what’s really going on for you … and speak that out loud.

Say what you mean and mean what you say:
Stop pussy-footing around and say what you really mean. Be explicit and clear not wishy-washy and passive/aggressive. Don’t ask a question when you really just want to make a statement or express something. If you have something to say, say it and then respond to what comes back. If you want/need help … ask for what you want … exactly. And if you are only willing to accept a “yes’ response … don’t ask. The more explicit you are, the more your communication and your relationships will flow.

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"Say what you mean and mean what you say..."

Interstate 60