No Judgements But ...

Have you been on the receiving end of this sort of communication and ended up feeling persecuted judged and condemned ... not to mention confused. After all, if a family member, friend or close colleague is delivering the feedback in the spirit of open and honest communication then surely you are the one responsible for feeling judged ... aren’t you?

The short answer is - as with all things in the paradigm of cause - “yes”. You are 100% responsible for creating the feedback and you are 100% responsible for whatever you choose it means and thus what you choose to feel about it. AND you are also responsible for buying into the lie inherent in “no judgement ... but ...” because the very act of saying it ensures that is exactly what will occur.

Chances are you have also been the one saying those words (or something similar) ... and then proceeded to vomit your judgement and opinion all over the other ... once again in the spirit of truth.

What a load of rubbish!

Your judgements and opinions are not facts ... they are not “truth”. The only truth that is occurring is the truth that you are judging and forming opinions about something or someone. Broadcasting your judgemental truth is not the key to open and honest communication ... in fact it often leads to defensive interactions and conflict.

The key to open and honest communication is you being willing to own your judgements and your opinions and realise they are really about you not about the other.

Once you see that you are the one choosing to judge, you can respond to whatever it is about for you and then have the open and honest conversation you need to have, free of your judgements masquerading as truth.

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"When one experiences truth, the madness of finding fault with others disappears."

S. N. Goenka

What's Your Real Purpose?

The short answer is: Nothing ... well nothing in particular!

As long as you seek answers to such questions from the point of view of what you think you should be doing, doing, doing ... you will never find out. When you ponder the various forms of self-expression, occupation or vocation on offer, searching earnestly and diligently for the “right” something to do ... you will never find out. If you think you have some “special and unique” reason for being here and if only you knew what it was then everything would be ok ... you will never find out ...

Your reason for being here is exactly the same as everyone and anyone else. Your purpose and mine are the same and we each have complete freedom to choose HOW we will realise it and actualise it.

In order to do that, you need to accept that who you are is magnificent, powerful, lovable and valuable and that what you do doesn’t really matter. The value of you is that you are YOU, doing whatever you do. The quality of your experience and impact is about who you are being in the matter and not what you are doing. And when you choose to focus on being the most magnificent you that you can be in any moment, what you do takes on a whole new meaning. Rather than seeking validation solely through other people liking or approving of what you do, you become aware that being yourself - loving, open, honest and responsible - is what makes what you do so powerful and effective. It also means you know you are free to choose to do whatever you desire and not what you think you “should be doing to be ok”.

When you fully accept that Who You Are is perfect love - unchangeable, inviolable and constant - no matter what you do, you are free to do whatever you choose!

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"The purpose of life is to create your Self anew, in the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held about Who You Are. It is to announce and become, express and fulfill, experience and know your true Self."

Neale Donald Walsch

Who Wants Help?

Whatever your response ... the simple truth is ... everyone wants help with something at some time. Yet your automatic reluctance to ask for help says more about your attachment to your “not good enough” story than whether you want help or not. The simple truth is that wanting help is no more or less an indictment on your okay-ness than anything else you think or feel!

Over the holidays I spent some time with a young coach just staring out in her own business. She is smart and aware and committed to her own growth, yet when she called me (for some support!) she was clearly distressed and finding it hard to admit that she wanted some help.

She explained that although she knew she needed some help, she felt not okay to ask for it because she felt she really “shouldn’t need it”. After all she was a coach, supposed to be helping all these other people and to admit she needed help was perceived as somehow weak and not good enough.

And there you have it ... again ... the old “not-good-enough” story and feelings informing her decision making and resulting in her feeling even more distressed and unworthy. Her reluctance to acknowledge her truth and ask for what she wanted meant she continued to struggle with her own stuff. Then she called me ...

I pointed out that in my world, asking for help and support was as necessary as breathing in and out. Not only is it okay, it’s vital to my work and my life that I ask for and receive support and guidance so that I can continue to learn and grown and develop myself for my benefit and also for the benefit of my clients. I reminded her that the paradigm of ultimate cause meant that she has created a lot of amazing people in her world who could guide and assist her in her process and on her journey. Her willingness to not only ask for help but also consciously invest in working with her own coach/mentor was crucial to her living her vision in the world. Her “not-good-enough” stuff was simply to remind her of her commitment and not a reason to agree with it and continue to struggle with “going it alone”. I also pointed out that if everyone felt the way she did and agreed with their feelings she would have no clients at all! When you work with people you need to have regular support and guidance ... just like your clients have with you.

She got it and has now committed to her own ongoing process with another coach.

What about you?

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"Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence."

Anne Wilson Schaef

Ho, Ho, Ho or Ho Hum?

The festive season has arrived and Christmas is everywhere ... in the shops, on the net, in our homes and in our heads! Yet this season of good cheer and goodwill sometimes has the opposite effect on our hearts ... ho, ho, ho becomes ho hum for some.

The loving meaning of Christmas can get lost in the endless list making, shopping stress and family drama that accompanies the end of the year madness.

If this applies to you ... stop and take a breath and ask yourself: “What does this time of year really mean to me? ... Who am I choosing to BE?”  When you get clear about what you are choosing to have things mean, you can choose to reframe “ho hum” to “ho, ho, ho” any time you like! When you focus on who you are being while you do whatever you do, you get to experience each and every moment as sacred and loving irrespective of what is happening around you.

My choice for this festive season is no different to my choice for the rest of the year ... to be the most loving, open, honest, aware and responsible me I can be. Sometimes I experience effortless flow and magic and sometimes obstacles, frustration and stuff-ups. Yet when I remember that only love is real and the fearful moments are simply there to remind me who and how to be, I relax and accept whatever is happening as ok. The key is in the remembering that who I am is perfect love.

My wish for you this Christmas is that you remember who you are and when ho, ho, ho becomes ho hum, you stop and take a breath and remember ... it’s always your choice.

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"I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all year."

Charles Dickens

Tough Talk

Lately I have encountered many people with the same concern ...
How to have a tough/difficult/confronting conversation without any upset/anger/push-back etc.
Well the simple truth is ... you can’t.

Having a tough or difficult conversation is just that because of how you feel ...
And because you don’t want to feel the feelings and you don’t want the other (or others) to feel them either, you go along NOT confronting the issue/situation all the while feeling strongly that which you want to avoid!

There is no short-cut here or way to side-step the emotional reality of conflict. Conflict is emotionally challenging and the most effective thing you can do is accept that feelings will be felt and expressed - and that’s ok. Feelings won’t kill you, feeling the things that are uncomfortable leads you to see what you make things mean and how you can change if you choose. Feelings are not facts; they are simply feelings and they let you know how you feel ... which is why you are experiencing/addressing a conflict in the first place.

So take a deep breath ... remember that you (and they) are ok, lovable and valuable (even though you feel anything but that) and be willing to acknowledge the feelings as well as the ‘facts’ in the communication.

It may get messy and yes, you probably will feel vulnerable and exposed ... and if you detach from making any of it a personal attack, remember that who you are is love, communicate CONTEXT first then content, keep breathing and allow the emotional energy to be expressed and released ... you will get to peace and harmony.

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"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."

William Ellery Channing

Feeling Guilty

I read a great blog last week by Colin Pearce, where he made the distinction that guilt is not a feeling ... it’s a state. The example he used was when someone is pronounced “guilty” by a court of law it means they “... broke the law and it is now declared”. He goes onto say that feeling something about the declaration - remorseful, angry, humiliated, etc. - is not mandatory ... it’s a choice. Guilt is state and how you feel about it is up to you.

The way I see it, guilt is like yoghurt ... it has a use-by date or it goes off. It serves a very essential purpose and that is to confront you with a truth about your behaviour that is not in alignment with who you are. And it provides the opportunity to take responsibility for whatever you have done, to make amends and choose again to BE who you are, to stand for your grandest version of the greatest vision you can have of yourself in each and every moment.

Yet, so often, feelings of remorse, regret, anger etc. become all consuming in the midst of a guilty reaction. Shame is usually the catalyst and when it arises, needs to be acknowledged, allowed and released ... so breathe and allow and breathe and allow and breathe ... until the energy shifts and you can see your way through the illusion of fear back to love.

It’s not easy, particularly when you have a strong story to reinforce your feelings ... and it is possible to allow the feelings to come and go by simply remembering that only love is real and everything else is simply a call to love.

Choose to BE love as the context for who you are and do lovingly all that you do - including responding to your feelings - and you will experience your feelings as a resource for growth rather than a hindrance to your joy.

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"Pain in life is inevitable, but misery is optional."

Henry Ward Beecher

What Does It All Mean?

The simple and short answer is: whatever you decide things mean is what they mean because your perception is your reality in the paradigm of cause. And whatever you decide is true is what you experience as truth. In order to have a different experience, you need to change your beliefs and filters so you perceive something else as truth. The wider your viewing platform, the deeper your filter, the more complete your truth will be.

As a nation we decided that a change of Government was inevitable and necessary because whatever the policy issues: eg, we have to save this beautiful country from “the budget crisis” (really?) and “illegal asylum seekers swamping our shores” (not true), I believe the main reason many people voted LNP for the first time, is the lying, betrayal and appalling behaviour and obfuscating communication by the Labor Party had become so intolerable that it was time to punish.

Yet the other truths (and facts) have no discernible impact or influence on what the majority of people perceive as truth and as we tend to choose our response based solely on what we perceive and believe is happening, the change we chose was inevitable!

So what’s next?

The opportunity always is to become informed and aware of what else is occurring in you and around you so that you can make decisions and choices based on the whole of what is happening and not just a small slice of filtered fear-fuelled opinion and rhetoric, sourced in fear and delivered via the popular media as truth.

You and I get to choose what everything means so I am choosing to view this election outcome as a huge opportunity for sustainable change. For all politicians, leaders and you, it is an opportunity to remember and act like we are ALL connected, we are not a separate island in isolation but rather part of a global community of human beings who all deserve to be who they are no matter what they believe. It is an opportunity to do what you say and be open and honest with yourself and each other and all of us. It is an opportunity to treat each other with respect, kindness and love irrespective of differing opinions. And it is a profound opportunity to remember that only love is real and (the illusion of) fear is simply a call for love.

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"Love really changes things"

Marianne Williamson, Illuminata