08 September 2015

Who Says You Should Have To?

Shoulding all over yourself and others is a guaranteed strategy to stop you getting the outcome you want in your communication and relationships.

Every time you find yourself thinking: “I shouldn’t have to tell that person ... how I feel; what I expect; what I need ... because they should know” and then agree with your thoughts and feelings, you stop effective communication in it’s tracks. The result - you end up feeling frustrated, unsatisfied and righteous! And nothing changes.

Everyone makes up their own meaning about whatever is going on. What you perceive as rudeness or a personal attack is often not what is consciously intended from the other side. Yet time and time again you react emotionally to this perceived attack as if the other is deliberately doing something to “make you” feel the way you do.

Remember this: Other people do not necessarily share your view of the world. Other people cannot read your mind and if you don’t tell them what you mean, they cannot respond effectively.

And that’s the issue. Your unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, clearly, directly and completely when you feel emotionally triggered is because of how you feel. Then you get stuck in your head, convincing yourself that you are feeling the way you do because of someone else’s behaviour. You tell yourself that “they should know better” and thus feel you shouldn’t have to say anything or do anything about it because “they should know”.

Yet, the truth is, they don’t know what you mean if you don’t tell them. No matter how many times you think “but they should know ...” it doesn’t change anything.

So next time you are caught up “shoulding’” all over the place, stop, take a breath ... allow your feelings to move through you ... and speak up.

"If it should have
it would have"

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