Consciously Withholding

I recently went on an overseas holiday for a special birthday celebration with a group of girlfriends. Early on the morning of the big day, I received the news that a friend had died and I realised I would not be back in time for the funeral. I felt the grief rise up and asked myself:  “What is the most loving choice I can make in this moment?” I was surprised to feel that rather than go into the grief and feel it, I needed to accept it was there to be felt later, tuck-it away and make a conscious choice to withhold my news from my friends for a few days. So I did.

I didn’t want to impact the birthday celebrations with my grief ... and I also wanted some time to process before sharing. I felt very sad yet managed to put it aside and fully participated in all the activities from breakfast through lunch and then onto a sumptuous and beautiful dinner ... all of which were lovely. In bed later that night, I let myself feel and cry and then went to sleep. When I woke up, I felt physically blah and had a rough start to the day. The plan was a full day trip to another town, exploring and shopping and lunching together. I decided not to go and told the girls I was not feeling up to a full day out. Once again, the most loving choice I felt I could make was to consciously withhold all the reasons for my decision. I knew I wanted to spend the day by myself with no need to explain or share ... I just wanted to feel my feelings and be with myself ... which I did.

The next day I told the girls what had been going on with me. When one of them said: “Why didn’t you tell us before now?” I asked: “And if I had, would you have wanted to stay with me and forgo your day out?” “Yes, of course ...” she replied. I then shared all the reasons I did not tell them earlier, I took responsibility for the whole communication ... and they all got it.

The rest of our holiday was wonderful and nurturing and fun.

What I realised ... once again ... is that I am ok and feelings are ok. And sometimes the most loving choice is to consciously withhold until ready to share fully.

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"What would love do now?"