Stop Apologising!

Wandering through the supermarket the other day, I stopped to wait for a woman with two small children to move so I could get past. When she noticed me waiting, she began apologising profusely. I told her it was not necessary, nothing happened that needed an apology but alas ... it fell on deaf ears. As she hurried herself and her children away, softly muttering “so sorry ...” I was struck by how often people apologise for things that don’t warrant the air time ...

Just another insidious way the sticky “not-good-enough” stuff rears it’s fearful head and leads the way in your unconscious behaviours, actions and communication.

The need to apologise for every little thing is an automatic program that runs when you are not present, not mindful, not aware ... and taking things personally. The incident in the supermarket is a very common example of what happens when we leave our bodies and forget who we are ... and where we are. The need to apologise is more about wanting to be seen to be ok and feel ok than anything else. I know that you will probably argue that being sorry and genuinely apologising has a place ... and paradoxically I agree ... as long as you are clear about the context and intention. And when the circumstances genuinely warrant it.

Apologising when you become aware that you have caused pain, upset, distress, fear etc is a powerful way to acknowledge yourself as cause in the matter and will give you the next clear step to take in your healing and transformation.

That is very different to apologising for every little thing, unconsciously and automatically.

So stop apologising for showing up, for being you in all your magnificent, messy, human, imperfect perfection.

And next time you are tempted to say sorry ... check your context and intention.

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"Stop apologising for things you didn’t even do."

So You Think You’ve Got It Handled

Such a tantalising delusion!

So much heartache spared, so much fuss and aggro side-stepped, so much feeling not needing to ever be felt again ... that’s the intoxicating myth of the notion: “I’ve got it handled”.

Every time you think: “I’ve got it handled” or “I’ve dealt with that issue/person/thought or thing” notice what happens ... it always, always, always comes back ... oft in a different disguise, yet those unacknowledged feelings still lurking within will be unleashed ... again!

You see the process of becoming you is never done ... never complete, never finished. No matter how hard you try to handle every “issue” that occurs, you will not (and can not) stop experiencing yourself in all of your full blown, messy, unpredictable, emotionally rich and viscerally dense humanness.

This is the human journey, the gig of being human is never-ending as long as you are in this body - in this polarised, paradoxical world we share. The choice to BE who you are is a process that is infinite, eternal and unrelenting. The notion that you can be “done” is just another example of the insidious fearful thinking emanating from the ego mind ... not based in truth or love and certainly not achievable.

So what do you do now?

Relax ... breathe ... and remember the ultimate purpose of being human is to BE the most magnificent you that you can imagine moment by moment by moment. It is a process of BEING here now and doing whatever you choose to do, knowing that who you are is the source of all that you experience and you get to choose what happens next.

Life is not about handling anything really, it’s about experiencing all of it so you can choose who you want to be and what you really want without condemning that which you do not choose.

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"The process of becoming human is never complete and never finished."

Robert Fisher

Being Kind Trumps Criticism

I’ve had a revelation this past week ... being kind trumps criticism!

It started with a visit to Sydney by my sister for her 60th birthday. We have a close relationship yet sometimes I find it very challenging to be kind rather than critical of her behaviour when I do not agree.  It is an old habit and one I have found very difficult to break. This time I chose to be conscious and aware of my own insidious tendency to get stuck in my head, ramping up the infernal, internal dialogue of criticism and judgement.

It started well, I felt peaceful and detached and told myself that whatever happened, I was going to be loving and kind ... and it was going really well for about 2 hours! Then something happened and straight away I felt myself getting frustrated and the internal judgemental, critical chatter began: “why is she doing this?” “She should know better” “Is she just doing this to get at me” etc etc. I didn’t say anything, I just felt it all swirling around in my head and in my body. And then I realised my sister was reacting to my judgemental energy ... I didn’t need to voice my criticism because she could feel it emanating from me anyway ... and then she started to react in kind.

What happened next is what began to change everything ...

Rather than simply engage in the old habit of pushing back and fuelling the A<>B conversation, instead of  needing to be “right” by making her “wrong” ... I stopped, I took a breath and I chose to let go of my critical thinking, I chose to let go of needing her to change so I felt better, I chose to connect with being loving  rather than agree once again with my fearful thinking ... and I felt my energy shift.

And so did hers!

I experienced a profound sense of peace and the weekend continued as I had consciously intended ... loving, kind, peaceful and lots of fun. Oh yes, we had a few more moments of tension sprinkled throughout the next 3 days yet the cloying stickiness of the internal judge had loosened somewhat so neither of us got stuck like rats on the wheel of our old painful way of relating.

Once again the message was simple ... though not at all easy!
Being kind, being loving, being who I AM ... particularly when challenged by someone I love ... produces a loving response in return.

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"Be kind whenever possible.
It is always possible."

Dalai Lama

It’s Never About The Money!

One thing guaranteed to trap you in an endless fear-fuelled, ego-mind whirlpool of infernal, internal self-critical dialogue is a perceived lack/shortage of money.

In fact, there is nothing like the “money conversation” to start a whirlpool of emotional turmoil that has nowhere to go but inward, ever inward ...

And yet, it’s NEVER about the money.

No matter how much you want to resist what I am saying and convince me that it really is a lack of money that stops you from being, doing and having what you say you want, I know it’s not about the money.

In the paradigm of cause, money is just a form of energy and as such shows you where your energy is flowing and where it is blocked.  When you decide you want something, then say “I can’t afford it” or “I can’t have it because I don’t have the money” you get to be right. You don’t get to have what you say you want ... and you do get to be right ... because whatever you believe is true is what you will experience. So every time you say “I can’t ...” you are affirming what you believe and you manifest exactly that, the experience of lack, of not enough, of “I cannot ...”

This insidious loop is simply another form of the “not good enough” stuff and every time you buy into it, you keep yourself safe from having to confront the whole truth about who you are and what’s actually going on.

And there it is ... who you are is powerful beyond measure. Who you are is divine, perfect love. Who you are is able to create and manifest anything you can imagine ... if only you would let yourself go there instead of running down the rabbit hole of not good enough when you feel scared.

Remember, feelings are NOT facts ... feel the feelings, let go and choose who you want to be and what you want to do and have ... then respond to whatever shows up from the paradigm of Love and you’ll discover, it’s never about the money!

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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure"

Marianne Williamson

Stop Taking Things Personally!

Sounds so simple ... yet so hard to simply stop taking some things personally, particularly when you know you are right!  The overwhelm of intense emotion is a sure-fire trigger for your nervous system to quickly head into “fight or flight” and with nowhere else to go, you shutdown or avoid or placate or fight hard. Whatever the choice, the outcome is usually the same: not what you really want.

Well this is just another vicious and viscous cycle of “not-good-enough/making yourself wrong”... just another way your fearful ego-mind engages you in the dance of fear and down the rabbit-hole you go.

Yet there’s wisdom and resolution hidden in this gem of an oft used cliche:

When you ... stop ... and get present to who you are and what is happening ... when you ... stop ... and take a breath and remember that the feelings are not facts, they are just feelings ... and you let them move through you without making up a whole lot of “not-good-enough” stories about yourself ... when you simply accept, allow and appreciate that whatever is occurring, is occurring ... when you stop taking what happens externally as meaning anything about you and instead remember that all feedback is simply showing you what impact you have been having in the world ... you can then choose to change the way you react and begin responding with love instead.

It’s not easy but it is possible to move to a place in yourself where you can be with your feelings without becoming them, where you can truly appreciate the moments without automatically sorting everything into good/bad or right/wrong. A place of equanimity and peace. And as with all things you choose to master, it does require diligence and rigor and practice ... a willingness to grow and change and do the inner work ... and support to help you along the way as you support and help others on their way. 

Always the key is remaining mindful and aware of who you are - magnificent, lovable, valuable creative being - while you navigate your way through the human experience.

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"Men are not disturbed by things
but by the view which they take of them"

Epictetus

There’s Magic In The Moments

Here we are again ... the start of a new year ... a blank canvas of endless possibilities ...

And for so many, the delight in painting a picture of your choosing is often overshadowed (once again) by the infernal, internal ego-mind endlessly sorting through a list of what “you should choose because it would be good for you ...”

Well that won’t work out any better than it ever has.

So this year I suggest you do something different and instead of agreeing with the “shoulds” focus instead on WHO you could BE moment by moment.

By letting go of any need to prescribe or control the minute details of every-day life and instead allowing yourself to BE who you choose to BE in each moment of every-day life, you will discover the joy of BEING all that you are while you do whatever you choose to do.

So choose who you wish to BE this year and make it your number one priority every day. It takes rigour and discipline and intention and attention to BEING while you are doing whatever you are moved to do.

And the really cool thing is this, when you fully surrender to BEING all that you are, it really doesn’t matter what you do ... and thus you are truly free to do whatever you can imagine, whatever you desire, whatever you want ...

Because there’s magic in the moments of being.

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"We are here to achieve an uplifted mode of being"

Marianne Williamson, Illuminata

What Do You Really Want For Christmas?

It’s that time of year again ... summer is in the air (in our southern hemisphere) and Christmas is fast approaching.

So what do you want?

When asked that question, many people often experience anxiety and react like a rabbit caught in the headlights ... wary, anxious or frozen.

When faced with a blank piece of paper and a pen and the encouragement to write down whatever you want, whatever you can imagine, what do you do?

Do you get scared to dream BIG and ask for what you really want?
Do you hold back, play small and ask for what you feel is appropriate/reasonable/not too much?
Do you say “I don’t know” because you can’t figure out how you are ever going to get what you really want?

Or do you go for it, ask for exactly what you want and open yourself to receive?

The reluctance to ask for what you want is yet another ego-mind control tactic designed to ensure you stay at the effect of your “not-good-enough” thoughts and feelings. The infernal internal critic chants “don’t ask for too much”, “you don’t deserve to have everything you desire” “stop being greedy and selfish” and on and on.

I know, you DO know what you want. And I also know it’s not “stuff” that you really want. It’s love and joy and peace and fun. It’s connection and communication and inspiration and contribution. It’s in BEING who you are that you get to DO and HAVE what you really want ... and that’s what you really, really, really want.

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"All I want for Christmas is ... YOU."