Stop Taking Things Personally!

Sounds so simple ... yet so hard to simply stop taking some things personally, particularly when you know you are right!  The overwhelm of intense emotion is a sure-fire trigger for your nervous system to quickly head into “fight or flight” and with nowhere else to go, you shutdown or avoid or placate or fight hard. Whatever the choice, the outcome is usually the same: not what you really want.

Well this is just another vicious and viscous cycle of “not-good-enough/making yourself wrong”... just another way your fearful ego-mind engages you in the dance of fear and down the rabbit-hole you go.

Yet there’s wisdom and resolution hidden in this gem of an oft used cliche:

When you ... stop ... and get present to who you are and what is happening ... when you ... stop ... and take a breath and remember that the feelings are not facts, they are just feelings ... and you let them move through you without making up a whole lot of “not-good-enough” stories about yourself ... when you simply accept, allow and appreciate that whatever is occurring, is occurring ... when you stop taking what happens externally as meaning anything about you and instead remember that all feedback is simply showing you what impact you have been having in the world ... you can then choose to change the way you react and begin responding with love instead.

It’s not easy but it is possible to move to a place in yourself where you can be with your feelings without becoming them, where you can truly appreciate the moments without automatically sorting everything into good/bad or right/wrong. A place of equanimity and peace. And as with all things you choose to master, it does require diligence and rigor and practice ... a willingness to grow and change and do the inner work ... and support to help you along the way as you support and help others on their way. 

Always the key is remaining mindful and aware of who you are - magnificent, lovable, valuable creative being - while you navigate your way through the human experience.

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"Men are not disturbed by things
but by the view which they take of them"

Epictetus

There’s Magic In The Moments

Here we are again ... the start of a new year ... a blank canvas of endless possibilities ...

And for so many, the delight in painting a picture of your choosing is often overshadowed (once again) by the infernal, internal ego-mind endlessly sorting through a list of what “you should choose because it would be good for you ...”

Well that won’t work out any better than it ever has.

So this year I suggest you do something different and instead of agreeing with the “shoulds” focus instead on WHO you could BE moment by moment.

By letting go of any need to prescribe or control the minute details of every-day life and instead allowing yourself to BE who you choose to BE in each moment of every-day life, you will discover the joy of BEING all that you are while you do whatever you choose to do.

So choose who you wish to BE this year and make it your number one priority every day. It takes rigour and discipline and intention and attention to BEING while you are doing whatever you are moved to do.

And the really cool thing is this, when you fully surrender to BEING all that you are, it really doesn’t matter what you do ... and thus you are truly free to do whatever you can imagine, whatever you desire, whatever you want ...

Because there’s magic in the moments of being.

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"We are here to achieve an uplifted mode of being"

Marianne Williamson, Illuminata

What Do You Really Want For Christmas?

It’s that time of year again ... summer is in the air (in our southern hemisphere) and Christmas is fast approaching.

So what do you want?

When asked that question, many people often experience anxiety and react like a rabbit caught in the headlights ... wary, anxious or frozen.

When faced with a blank piece of paper and a pen and the encouragement to write down whatever you want, whatever you can imagine, what do you do?

Do you get scared to dream BIG and ask for what you really want?
Do you hold back, play small and ask for what you feel is appropriate/reasonable/not too much?
Do you say “I don’t know” because you can’t figure out how you are ever going to get what you really want?

Or do you go for it, ask for exactly what you want and open yourself to receive?

The reluctance to ask for what you want is yet another ego-mind control tactic designed to ensure you stay at the effect of your “not-good-enough” thoughts and feelings. The infernal internal critic chants “don’t ask for too much”, “you don’t deserve to have everything you desire” “stop being greedy and selfish” and on and on.

I know, you DO know what you want. And I also know it’s not “stuff” that you really want. It’s love and joy and peace and fun. It’s connection and communication and inspiration and contribution. It’s in BEING who you are that you get to DO and HAVE what you really want ... and that’s what you really, really, really want.

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"All I want for Christmas is ... YOU."

Can You Stop Terrorism?

If you want to create change externally, first you need to make the shift internally.

So what has the external world view of terrorism today got to do with your own internal state?  Have you stopped to consider where and how “terrorism” lives in you?

Well I have and what I have realised is that I terrorise myself when I agree with my endless infernal, internal, hyper-critical ego-mind! Every time I agree with this internal critic, I terrorise myself with the possibility that I am somehow really in peril ... and the feelings of anxiety, fear and terror begin. The behaviour that follows is anything but pretty - closed rather than open, reactive rather than response-able and resisting rather than accepting.

This “home-grown brand of internal terrorism” is insidious, surprising in it’s ferocity and comes unexpectedly at times. It is the voice within constantly chanting the “not-good-enough” refrain while relentlessly causing you to question your own self-worth and self-value. It’s you agreeing with the thoughts and feelings that you are not okay the way you are, that the world is a frightening place and the best you can do is manage, protect and defend.

Stopping the internal terrorism is not easy and it’s also not hard. It’s just unfamiliar. It requires practice and diligence and rigor. It requires consciously choosing to remember who you really are and who everyone else really is too: magnificent, powerful, lovable, valuable and creative ... willing to choose from LOVE rather than fear, willing to respond rather than react, willing to BE bigger than your feelings and thoughts and perceptions and judgements and limitations ...

And willing to show up in love even when you feel afraid.

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"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change."

Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror

What Are You Certain About?

The quest for certainty, for knowing what’s coming next is a national epidemic right now. With all the talk of terror on our news 24/7 and the heightened sense of fear palpable in the energy of day-to-day living, more and more people are seeking a sense of security and safety ... personally, professionally and on a world scale.

Yet, certainty, for the most part, is one thing that you can’t count on ... not now, not ever.

Life is a paradox ... unpredictable and mysterious ... things happen that you are not aware of until they do and yet you still seek certainty BEFORE they happen. Fruitless and pointless. The quest for certainty only increases your feelings of fear and uncertainty ... and the more you seek certainty the more fearful you become.

If you want to feel safe and secure, you need to remember WHO YOU ARE - powerful, magnificent, lovable, valuable creative being able to choose. When you remember who you are before you go seeking certainty about what’s going to happen, you put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life and can choose how to respond to whatever shows up.

When you source yourself in love rather than fear, you have more choices about how to respond. Rather than automatically reacting, defending, protecting and managing what shows up, you free yourself to choose how you show up in response....and if you are willing to fully embrace whatever happens next as your loving creation and your opportunity to respond, you find yourself flowing with the mystery of life rather than trying to predict it and control it. It’s the difference between choosing to operate from the biggest context: I Create The Whole Of My Own Reality and being unconsciously consumed by the paradigm of fear.

And if you really need certainty about anything, it’s that YOU are the one who gets to choose ... always.

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"Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow."

Tony Schwartz, Author

Prepare Yourself For Feeling Fallout

Whenever you go all the way with telling your truth, you will be confronted by the reactions and responses such truth telling elicits ... Feeling Fallout.

Feeling Fallout can be mild to extreme and always occurs when uncomfortable truth is shared. And because no-one likes feeling uncomfortable, sharing deeper emotional truth is often avoided because of the feeling fallout.

I once had a client say to me that she was only willing to tell her truth when she could be certain that no-one would get upset, thereby ensuring that she never went all the way with her truth when things got emotionally charged. Net result ... nothing much got resolved and she was often left feeling anxious and incomplete.

You cannot resolve conflict if you are not willing to share the whole of your truth (which includes how you are feeling) AND be willing to hear and receive the others’ whole truth including their feelings. It’s not difficult to share your feelings ... it may feel challenging but it’s not hard. It’s just unfamiliar because you have been conditioned to be “nice” and “polite” and avoid conflict at all costs.

So how can you prepare yourself for feeling fallout?

1. Remember that feelings are simply energy-in-motion - they let you know how you feel and what you are making things mean, and how the other feels and what they are making things mean.
2. Feelings are not facts, they exist to be acknowledged, validated, felt and released.
3. You cannot have an effective conversation in the middle of a feeling reaction so when feelings arise, breathe ... allow and let them move through you ... and they will if you let them. As Jill Bolte-Taylor observed: It takes 90 seconds for the feeling to move through you and be done.
4. Expect some feeling fallout when addressing conflict and remember to keep communicating until the energy shifts.

Simple and, once again, not always easy when you start. And the more you practice, the easier it will become.

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"... emotions heal when they are heard and validated."

Jill Bolte-Taylor

Consciously Withholding

I recently went on an overseas holiday for a special birthday celebration with a group of girlfriends. Early on the morning of the big day, I received the news that a friend had died and I realised I would not be back in time for the funeral. I felt the grief rise up and asked myself:  “What is the most loving choice I can make in this moment?” I was surprised to feel that rather than go into the grief and feel it, I needed to accept it was there to be felt later, tuck-it away and make a conscious choice to withhold my news from my friends for a few days. So I did.

I didn’t want to impact the birthday celebrations with my grief ... and I also wanted some time to process before sharing. I felt very sad yet managed to put it aside and fully participated in all the activities from breakfast through lunch and then onto a sumptuous and beautiful dinner ... all of which were lovely. In bed later that night, I let myself feel and cry and then went to sleep. When I woke up, I felt physically blah and had a rough start to the day. The plan was a full day trip to another town, exploring and shopping and lunching together. I decided not to go and told the girls I was not feeling up to a full day out. Once again, the most loving choice I felt I could make was to consciously withhold all the reasons for my decision. I knew I wanted to spend the day by myself with no need to explain or share ... I just wanted to feel my feelings and be with myself ... which I did.

The next day I told the girls what had been going on with me. When one of them said: “Why didn’t you tell us before now?” I asked: “And if I had, would you have wanted to stay with me and forgo your day out?” “Yes, of course ...” she replied. I then shared all the reasons I did not tell them earlier, I took responsibility for the whole communication ... and they all got it.

The rest of our holiday was wonderful and nurturing and fun.

What I realised ... once again ... is that I am ok and feelings are ok. And sometimes the most loving choice is to consciously withhold until ready to share fully.

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"What would love do now?"